I’ve come to a point where I don’t know what to do but write.
I’ve felt this overwhelming sense of loss this year and it’s overshadowed the gains I have made professionally and spiritually.
I lost my virginity, and with that I lost the little self-esteem I had as well. It would be unfair to blame it all on him because it was my choice to force something that would only drain me, and I let it. For months, almost a whole year. Our friendship was twisted and toxic but I loved it and I loved him, so much that I refused to let go and ended up hurting us both in the end. It was unfair for me to hear someone say they didn’t want me, yet try to force my love and efforts in hopes that they would turn around and see my value. I kept forcing and forcing a relationship that wasn’t there, eventually forfeiting a friendship that could’ve been. You can only say sorry to someone so many times before they stop taking you seriously.
I lost my community. With graduating in May, I moved to Maryland where I have a few childhood friends, but I don’t have my friends you know? My job didn’t bring me community because I work from home. I have made connections with a few individuals but with our schedules it’s maybe once a month we link up.
I often feel like I’m losing my mind being trapped in this basement apartment with little human interaction. This sounds dramatic asf, I know but imagine going from seeing your many many friends consistently from rise to fall everyday for the last eight years to maybe seeing a familiar face once or twice a week? During my last year at Southern, I ran away from my anxiety by always occupying time with a friend. I didn’t have a car so I would jump from breakfast with one friend to coffee and homework with another just to make sure I was never left alone with the thoughts in my mind. Now I’m stuck hearing myself all the time, and it’s torture.
I lost myself as a writer. I haven’t written something valuable in months. I write in my journal maybe once a month, but rather than using my most trusted outlet to help me balance my thoughts I’ve let the sadness consume me. I haven’t written on this blog in over a year and a half. I graduated with a writing emphasis major, three 75-page long portfolios, and awards in hand. Yet the concept of a poem frightens me and my once safe space is one I don’t dare enter, until now and who knows how long this will last.
I lost what was left of a relationship with my mom. I’m not really ready to talk about this because this moment was years in the making, but all I know is I’m not wired to be in ruin with my parents as consistently as I am. I feel people get tired of hearing about my brokenness and I shudder when asked how my family is doing because I have nothing to say. So I say much without saying anything at all because that’s what I’ve always done. As I am doing right now.
Ultimately, I lost myself… again. I reminisce on the second semester of my junior year of college because that was the most connected I ever felt to myself and to the world around me. At the time, I was practicing Buddhism and prior to that I had been agnostic for quite sometime. I found love during this time, not in anyone but just love itself. I began to experiment with it, pushing boundaries and embracing whatever came my way. I discovered my emotions. I hadn’t allowed myself to feel anything really except anger since I was ten years old. But in that semester I allowed myself to feel everything, and since then I have been an emotional mess lol. But I would rather feel everything than nothing at all. I know, because I’ve been on the other side.
I want to get back to the space I was in my junior year of college, but as a Christian who still incorporates Buddhist values into her life.. only difference is I now acknowledge my Savior.
People always say “give it up to God”, when things are crashing down. But what do you do when He’s all you have yet you still feel as empty as I do? It’s not that God hasn’t filled a void for me or that I do not feel His love. I do. I really do. But I just feel that I have a purpose in this relationship with Him and with my World. That right now I am just here, just being. In Buddhism this sense of just being and being still should bring joy, happiness but I feel none of that I feel sad, useless.
I don’t know what steps I should take to be more than just being. How to find joy in living each day rather than just doing the things necessary to make sure I have a bed to lay in. Maybe it starts with finding physical relationships that are consistent? Maybe it starts with a social media fast, but for how long? Maybe it starts with reading through the book of John yet again or only listening to Christian music?
For once, I don’t know where to start. I guess that’s why I’m here writing not in my journal, but in a public space. I’ve learned vulnerability can help us out of the deepest ruts if we let it. Because by letting people in we’re also allowing love in and love solves much.
Ya girl needs a little help. Here I am asking for it ❤